I stand here newly arrived in SW France, well into my third chapter, of life, my 22 years of sobriety fast approaching and once more I’m in another house, in another country, in another language making a new set of acquaintances.
Constantly moving and changing throughout my drinking career I have carried this into my sobriety, having moved more than 10 times since I got sober. With AA as my anchor, I now pray for the willingness to change, to stop running, to commit to being in one place and for the insidious restlessness to be lifted and to feel content.
Where did it all start? : The chaos and insecurity of a post war childhood in London. Born of alcoholic parents, my formative years spent with my sister on the steps of a pub with lemonade and a bag of crisps to entertain us, watching the doors swing open releasing the smell of beer, cigarettes amid raucous alcohol fuelled. Or conversely cowering in the corner of the large multifamily household full of noise and drunken parties, brawls and sometimes violence. I hated it. Food, especially anything sweet, became my solace, my escape, my mind-altering substance. It made me feel better and set me off on the path of addiction at a very young age. Yes, I hated my life, my violent mother, the 1000 forms of fear I lived with, the stink of whisky, disempowered, no sense of place.
Still a gauche, naïve teenager with few social skills, I sought an early marriage to escape from home.and now found some autonomy as a wife. I also found a freedom in work, I was good at it.
My first job introduced me to alcohol. Our boss took his small staff to the Ascot Races. Here I discovered a different world, a world of pretty dresses, champagne and strawberries. The champagne actually smelled good, it tasted good and the effect was magical. Suddenly I was Audrey Hepburn in “My Fair Lady” I was transformed, pretty, intelligent, erudite, funny, the world was bright. This was the life I wanted, sophisticated and other-worldly, full of possibilities. Until then I didn’t drink, the type of drinking and the consequences I witnessed at home held no attraction for me. Champagne gave me courage and confidence, an escape. It gave me wings. Later It took away the sky.
I chased the “high” life and dragged my husband with me, then came the inevitable divorce and with it I plummeted to earth. Underneath the facade of sophisticated wife I was still the scared, naïve teenager with no real-life experience. So, I drank more, chasing that feeling, made crazy impulsive choices: divorce, career changes, a geographic or two, fleeting relationships. As greedy for experience as I was for alcohol. I didn’t lose my ability to be good at any job I undertook, among other things I had a career path in the BBC, then a teaching certificate, but I ditched them both for things more exciting where I could drink freely.
In my mid 20’s I somehow ended up in the Caribbean working on Windjammer sailing ships. That’s where my alcoholism really took off. Tourists came to sail the dream but also for the wild parties and copious amounts of alcohol that flowed. Where no-one cared how much you drank, and what you did. We crew members were paid to party. I was in heaven! We worked 12 hour days and earned a pittance but the booze and excitement were free and limitless. Nobody cared, just do your job, keep the guests happy. Fuelled by alcohol and amphetamines I could dance all night and work all day.
By year 3 of this I was a physical wreck, in my early 30’s bloated, joints inflamed by painful arthritis and worn out by work and booze. I returned to England to get well. By this time, I knew I was an alcoholic but in denial about what that really meant. In England, I drank everything in my Mum’s drinks cupboard even things I didn’t like-it didn’t matter as long as it was alcohol., but that didn’t enlighten me. I did go to an AA meeting in London, my brother took me, but I left early, “it wasn’t for me, I don’t fit here” On my way out a woman approached me, she asked if I was new and did I want to talk, NO, I said I was leaving, as it wasn’t for me. She said – and I remember it to this day more than 30 years later – “You don’t have to wait for the elevator to get to the bottom, you can get off any time” of course, I ignored that advice. Arrogance, denial, self-sufficiency, these character defects were my character assets and ruled my life. AA was for losers, and this kept me away.
With my strong will I stopped drinking for a month, detoxed my body, and healed. Then (WITH cunning, baffling and powerful on my shoulder) I chose to go back to Caribbean to work on the ships thinking I could handle it, I couldn’t, it was like hell trying to control my drinking. So, I got a job ashore with the ship’s agent,( my disease once again guiding me.) He was an alcoholic, a wonderful man but one who too busy drinking himself to an early grave to notice my drinking (he died ten years later at 42). I tried to match him step by step. We worked hard and played hard. I practically ran his business. 10 years of hard work, stress and drink and I was again a physical wreck, this time with acute pancreatitis and near death.
Fear of the excruciating pain and probable death if I drank again, helped me stop drinking for 10 years. I found health, a New Age spirituality (a God of my understanding) well-being and success. But I was still an untreated alcoholic. My disease was patiently doing push-ups in the parking lot and one day and new boyfriend popped an ice-cold bottle of champagne on a hot afternoon, I fought the fear, took a sip, and didn’t die, it was enough and I was off to the races. My disease was triumphant, having patiently waited it took me gently, one glass at a time, over time, until I was back drinking against my will, my life unmanageable, On the outside I had all the shiny things, fancy car, lovely house, great business, on the inside I was rotting away. I often had to pull over in the morning on the way to work to barf into a paper bag. I WAS going insane and again a physical wreck, I had complete burn out and exhaustion and almost lost everything I had gained in those 10 years of not drinking , I could not function, but I could not stop. I tried everything money could buy, nothing worked. I couldn’t keep “the plug in the jug” come 5 o’clock’ One Sunday morning after the mirror conversation that followed the toilet bowl conversation, I saw myself in the mirror, shaky, red in the face, crying in despair, I looked finished, “ God please help me, I can’t do this alone, I AM MY MOTHER”. That was my bottom, I could no longer deny the thing I feared all my life. I was a drunk, just like my Mother.
I knew there was a beach meeting on Sunday morning, so I went, there were two other women, one of whom I knew, she said, “good to see you – tell us your story” That was day one!
Day two I went to my first real meeting, I was so scared and shaky I hardly heard anything, but I did hear “one day at a time.” My inner silent question “How” had been answered (Solution) and at the end of the meeting I heard “The Promises” (Hope) A week later I heard “Pray for the obsession to be lifted” I did, and it was….to this day I don’t know how. It was nothing short of a miracle. By the Grace of God I haven’t had a drink since. The urge yes, the craving, occasionally but the obsession…never.
It’s been a chequered sobriety journey covering the Caribbean, St Maarten/Anguilla, East and West Coasts of Canada, UK and now France. Since joining AA I
have never lived anywhere that did not give me access to AA and meetings. For me that is non-negotiable. Restlessness and the desire for new experience still drive me,. But AA It is my lifeline and my joy. I continue to work on my character defects and as I often share at meetings “I came for my drinking but I stay for my thinking”
Peeling away layer by layer, I reveal the parts of my authentic self that have been shadowed and marred by alcohol and alcoholic behaviour. I realise I inherited all the “ISMS” way before I picked up a drink and my sobriety journey is the time I need to put all my fractured pieces back together . Alcoholics Anonymous has shown me the path to true freedom, not escapism, and how to stop running……….from myself.
